the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
