Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
even my farts smell like vagina
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Your cock deserves a montage
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Randomize
