i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
