so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
