Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
