I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
