Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
