Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
