So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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