stop calling my apartment porn island.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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