I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
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I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
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You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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