I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
