my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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