dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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