It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
