So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
