shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Everything about him screamed your future.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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