I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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