I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
