I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
