did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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