This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Randomize
