I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
