I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
