dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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