Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
