I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
