i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Dicks are not precious.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
