Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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