You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
