I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
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