A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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