I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
