just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
