How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Randomize
