I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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