i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
