Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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