dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
