So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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