He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
