Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
