Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
He better not be in your backpack
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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