somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
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For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
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