my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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