I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
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