Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Randomize
