I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
