And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
