Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
