Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
