I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
