Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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