Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
