so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
