i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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