You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
