No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
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