Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
This baby is an asshole
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
